


The Little Italian Adventure

by Tadpole4176



Series: The Very Un-Grand Tour [1]
Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF, Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Adventure, Friendship, Gen, Quarantine (sort of), Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23615527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: The Top Gear (or Grand Tour!) boys are unexpectedly pleased with the cabin they're delivered to in the Italian Alps, it's actually quite pleasant. Then Mr Wilman tells them there's a plague and they're not allowed to leave. Slightly doubtful, and with concerns about zombies, they set out to try to acquire some evidence, but ultimately it's not zombies they should have been worried about, it's spiders.
Series: The Very Un-Grand Tour [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1890685
Comments: 21
Kudos: 10





	1. The Zombie Apocalypse

“Mr Wilman,” said Jeremy, waving his phone at the others, sat across from him in the unexpectedly stunning cabin they’d been delivered to in Italy.

“Ah,” nodded James. “Now the other shoe drops.” He gestured to the full length window looking out over snow laden mountains from their tiny hamlet.

“It does seem a bit…” Richard shrugged. “Unusual.”

“Mr Wilman,” greeted Jeremy, finally answering the phone whilst flicking his fingers at the others, most likely in an attempt to persuade them to be quiet. “How are you today?”

There was a pause. Jeremy’s face fell.

“Oh,” responded Jeremy. “Right.”

“What?” asked Richard, always impatient.

“Remember that time we were in a war zone?”

“Yeah,” replied Richard, glancing at the stunning scenery outside.

“This is worse.”

“Worse?” Richard frowned. “How?”

“We’re in a plague zone.”

James scoffed. “What plague? There’s no plague.”

“How should I know?” retorted Jeremy.

James glared at him. “Phone?” he reached into his pocket and withdrew his own phone, apparently about to race Jeremy to the internet connection.

“Oh. Cock.”

“What?” asked Richard.

“No reception.”

“But Mr Wilman?” protested Richard.

“Mr Wilman works in mysterious ways,” nodded Jeremy solemnly.

“In this case, most likely he stood outside the house with a massive antenna so that we could receive his call,” added James. “Cock. We’ve really got no way to check.”

Richard frowned. “Well, we could go outside, see if anyone looks worried.”

“And come home with the plague?” put in Jeremy.

“We won’t approach anyone too closely,” suggested Richard. “Or touch anything.”

James nodded. “We’re going to have to buy food at some point anyway, if we’re staying put.”

Richard stared up at the other two, hesitant to believe that Andy had managed to make them afraid to venture outside – to the shop! It was ridiculous, as if something like that would really happen. But yet, they couldn’t prove it wasn’t true. Not one of their phones could get a connection, and lovely as this cabin was, there was no sign of a TV or even a radio. This was the sort of place people came to to be alone. And quite likely to go skiing.

Richard really hoped it didn’t come down to the three of them skiing.

“Of course, one advantage to being in the Alps,” announced Jeremy, winding a ridiculously long scarf around his face to the point that he was practically invisible, “is that being well wrapped up against the plague isn’t going to look amiss.”

“Ah, so subterfuge?” asked Richard. “We’re going to sneak out and see if anyone else looks worried? Nice.”

Jeremy grinned. “Here, you need to cover your face.” Before Richard could protest, Jeremy had pulled a balaclava over his head, leaving only his eyes showing.

“There, now you’re properly covered up,” he announced.

“Jez? Why can I see teeth?”

Interrupting, James wandered over, laughing as he took in the sight before him. “Vast improvement,” he nodded, dodging Richard’s swipe at his arm. “Very scary,” he added.

“Scary? James? Why can I see teeth?” Richard ran over to the mirror, taking in the sight of a shark balaclava with his eyes just poking out of the hole. “Oh.”

“It’ll keep the zombies away,” put in Jeremy. “In case it’s a zombie plague.”

“Yeah, zombies are well known for being afraid of sharks,” observed James.

“Where did you find it?” spluttered Richard.

Jeremy shrugged, waving his arm in the direction of cabin. “That’s not important, what you need to know is that it’ll ward off the zombies.”

“Right.” Richard rolled his eyes, but didn’t remove the offending shark.

James coughed, trying to regain their attention as he zipped his coat beyond his nose and headed for the door. “Shall we, gentlemen?”

The three men emerged into the freezing atmosphere of the tiny village, glancing around nervously for any sign of zombie hoards. The place seemed completely deserted. No one – not even normal people – greeted them as they stepped out of the house.

“They’ve all been evacuated!” exclaimed Richard dramatically.

“I think it’s much more likely they’re all indoors, if what Wilman says is true,” observed James.

“Yes, well, I’ve learned not to…” began Jeremy, pausing as he saw a policeman walking towards them.

“Andare a casa! Esercizio solo con la tua famiglia!”

“Non capisco,” said Jeremy. “What?”

“Vai a casa ora!” The policeman looked quite angry, and waved his arms at him several times, flapping them away.

“I don’t think he wants us here,” suggested Richard.

“You don’t say,” laughed James, turning to the policeman with an open shrug. “Food? Supermarket? Shop?”

“Supermercato. Solo una persona.” He held one finger up at them, very firmly. “Esercizio solo con la tua famiglia.”

“And with that, back to the… cabin,” said James, nodding once to the policeman, who was clearly happy to see them go, before turning and heading back.

They walked back in silence, more inclined to believe the plague story than ever, with the empty streets seeming more and more oppressive. When they, finally, reached the cabin, Jeremy fished the key out of his pocket and all three of them piled through the door in relief.

“I didn’t see any zombies,” observed Richard, looking as though he was half thinking he genuinely might.

“I don’t think even Mr Wilman could arrange for zombies, Hamster,” laughed James, patting him on the shoulder.

“Why did he keep saying family?” asked Jeremy, a puzzled frown on his face. “What did he mean?”

Jeremy stared at the other two, looking round the room, his puzzlement written all over his face. James and Richard had moved away from the door slightly, debating possible approaches to getting food during the zombie apocalypse, and getting excited by the possibility of recreating a zombie-proof transport and ram raiding a shop, or just running for the border – albeit a little inconvenient running for the border through the Alps.

Ignoring them, Jeremy continued to work through what the policeman had said. He didn’t speak a lot of Italian, but it was always worth picking up a few words, plus a smattering of Latin, and French could help out a little. Interesting.

A little odd, granted, but he could work with it.

“Right, chaps.” Jeremy finally addressed the others, interrupting their increasingly heated discussion.

“What?” said Richard. “We’ve almost got a design down here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” responded Jeremy, “there’s no such thing as a zombie apocalypse, this is a real plague we’re talking about, not a Hollywood movie. Hammond, this is not an opportunity to resurrect your bug out vehicle.”

Richard raised his thumb and forefinger a small distance apart, and did his best to look like he was pleading, causing Jeremy to giggle. “No,” said Jeremy, firmly.

“No.” He repeated, more firmly, ignoring Richard’s raised eyebrows and huge grin.

“So what then?” pouted Richard. “We are still a car show, right?”

“I think for the moment we’re a survival show,” corrected Jeremy, “and the first order of survival is food.”

“Right then, Bear Grylls,” put in James. “We going foraging under the snow? You saw how the rozzers felt about us heading out to the shop.”

“No, no, I think there’s something else going on. That policeman was definitely talking about families. Maybe we need to look like a family to go to the shop.”

“That is preposterous!” exclaimed James. “Firstly, how does anyone in this day and age know what a family looks like? And secondly, why on earth – during an epidemic – would you want your kids going outside, you wouldn’t.”

“But I’m sure that’s what he said.”

“You speak Italian, then?”

“Well, no.”

“So you’re sure how, exactly?” prompted James.

“I’ve been working through the words I could recognise.”

“What sort of percentage are we talking about here?” asked Richard.

“Ooooh, about 50,” nodded Jeremy, solemnly.

James rolled his eyes. “Lord help us. What is this great plan of yours then?”

Jeremy’s face broke into a grin. “Obviously, we need to look like a family.”

“Right.” James’s hands moved to his hips. “Of course we do. Need I even ask who’s acting as the Mother in this scenario?”

“Well…”

“Jez? What?” Richard looked between the two of them. “James?”

“I bloody hate dressing up in drag,” grumbled James.

“Wait,” Richard looked back up at Jeremy with an expression of distaste, “does this mean I’m your love child?”

It was several minutes before Jeremy got himself together enough to progress any further with his plan. Even then, every so often Richard’s words would creep back in and he’d just start giggling randomly, and if he caught James’s eye, as he attempted to help him disguise himself, he was doomed. It was going to make pulling this off very difficult.

Nonetheless, finally James was appropriately disguised as a woman, granted a rather grumpy one – Richard had obviously been misbehaving. He stood awkwardly next to the front door, dressed in a massive overcoat with a scarf that wrapped round his lower face. On his legs, he wore a pair of tights with his own plain black shoes on his feet. Above the scarf, his eyes continued to glare at Jeremy.

“I think we’re close to getting divorced, Jez,” he complained dryly.

“Yes dear,” responded Jeremy dismissively, turning his attention to Richard. “Right, you’re child-sized, how to make you look more child-like.”

“That’s not going to take much effort either,” muttered James from behind his scarf.

Jeremy ignored him, though Richard took the time to glare, until Jeremy once more shoved the shark balaclava over his head. “Here, your red anorak should work too,” he added, passing Richard the coat to put on over his sweater. “And,” with a flourish, Jeremy produced a cloth badge of a smiley face and a safety pin, before bending down with a groan to pin it to Richard’s jeans at the knee. “There. Final touch.”

“It’s a good job it’s cold here,” pointed out Richard. “This would definitely not work in shorts.”

Jeremy snorted. “No, that might be tricky.”

“By which you mean bloody impossible. Are we ready now? Can we stop faffing and get this over with?” asked James, plaintively.

Disguises complete, the three men once more stepped out of the cabin, Jeremy locking the door behind them. The scene that greeted them hadn’t changed. The streets were still completely deserted, and it was obvious that something was going on.

“Come on then, let’s go find the shop,” whispered Jeremy, uncharacteristically quietly, as though he was afraid of disturbing something. James nodded, grabbing Richard’s arm momentarily to point him in the right direction as he seemed to be gazing off into space.

They walked in near silence, again, still disturbed by the scenes around them, and oddly jumpy as, without any evidence to the contrary, it felt as though they really could be attacked by zombies. Or, perhaps more realistically, accosted by the police again. Even when they reached the shop, it didn’t seem nearly as warm and inviting as it should have been. There was no friendly grandmother greeting everyone, and no wildly exuberant talking from the other inhabitants of the shop. It was eerie.

“Quick, let’s buy some food and get out of here,” whispered James, reaching for a basket, as affected by the scene as Jeremy had been.

“Ah, wait,” hissed Jeremy. “Text from Mr Wilman.”

“Now? Really?” groaned Richard, glancing around as though he expected the silent locals to start attacking.

“Whilst you’re in the shop, you should each select a toy car. No more than 5 euros each.”

“What?” screeched James, causing everyone to suddenly stare at him. “Sorry,” he mumbled, not entirely to Richard and Jeremy, and in a very unconvincingly high pitched voice.

“Toy car,” repeated Jeremy, shrugging.

“What is he thinking?” whispered Richard.

Back in the cabin again - this time without any interference with from the police, though as James pointed out, the drag seemed less necessary than going to the shop by themselves, judging by other people – Jeremy carefully withdrew his toy car from his pocket and placed it on the table.

“As you can see,” he announced, driving the car towards the edge of the table, “I am the first to arrive, and I have bought an Aston Martin DB9, in British racing green. Perfect for whatever challenge we might be facing.”

Giggling madly, Richard whizzed his car across the table – crashing into Jeremy’s car as it prevented him from diving directly onto the floor. “I,” he began, “have gone for something a little bit different.” He paused for dramatic effect. “The Batmobile.” He nodded gleefully. “Yes, don’t get that as an option full size.”

Jeremy raised an eyebrow. “What do you know about full size?”

“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it,” laughed Richard, beaming as he bent down to observe his car more closely. “Look, I’ve got gun turrets, and extensible wings!”

Jeremy laughed. “Yes, but mine’s an Aston Martin, luxurious and fast. A beautiful car. That will also fit in the hotel multi-storey car park.”

“True, true, no….” Richard paused, glancing round as a third car crossed the table. “James?”

“Hello.”

“You’ve bought a Fiat Panda,” said Richard, clearly surprised. “You could have anything, and you got a Panda?”

“I miss that car,” replied James, shrugging. “And I didn’t really want a Star Wars monster truck.”

Jeremy and Richard gazed at the Panda, slightly stunned, then James added. “Time for a drink then?”


	2. A Change of Perspective

Jeremy was the first to awake the next morning, his senses alerting him to something different in the house, even before he opened his eyes, though later he couldn’t explain what it was that had seemed so strange, because he was certain it’d been quiet. Once his eyes were open, it wasn’t such a mystery. Whereas the night before he’d gone to bed alone in his own room, now Richard and James were sprawled on their mattresses to either side of him, squeezed amongst the furniture, the other two still fast asleep, and at the foot of their bed lay a vast, green model landscape, reminiscent of a model railway. The door to his room was clearly shut, and – Jeremy was willing to bet – locked.

Not more than a foot beyond the bottom of Jeremy’s feet, on what appeared to be a tiny, gravel car park, sat three toy cars.

“Richard,” he hissed, poking at the sleeping figure beside him. “Wake up!”

“Hmm?” Richard stirred slightly, but didn’t actually open his eyes.

Jeremy turned in the other direction. “James?”

“What? Why are you in my…? Oh.” James opened his eyes. “Cock. What’s going on here?” Instead of taking Jeremy’s approach and slowly allowing himself to take in the scene, James quickly rose to his feet, and made his way towards the door, and his own room. Stopping after his first step to start hopping about clutching his right foot. “Ow! Ow, ow! Cock!” He glared at the floor below him. “Who’s been leaving stuff on the floor?”

“What? What!” Richard sat bolt upright in bed, very nearly head-butting Jeremy’s elbow as he’d sat up in bed. “I’m awake!”

“Ready as ever,” chuckled Jeremy, regarding his two friends as his phone binged in response to a text message.

“Mr Wilman again,” he told the others, reaching out and, miraculously, finding his reading glasses. “You have been stranded in a giant cabin, you must use your cars to cross this terrain and reach the exit, a journey of 25 metres across unforgiving and sometimes treacherous terrain.”

“He’s lost it,” said James, cautiously returning his injured foot to the floor.

“Old age catches up with all of us,” shrugged Jeremy, placing his feet on the side of Richard’s mattress and looking to make his way out of the room with James. “Might as well make the most of it.” He reached down to Richard, offering him a hand up. “Come on.”

Richard stood, shaking his head to clear the cobwebs, just as James cried out. “There’s something a bit odd going on here.”

“Jez,” said Richard, peering more closely at his friend. “Have you shrunk?”

Richard couldn’t believe it. Ignoring James’s ranting, as clearly something was going on there too, he stared at his – usually – giant friend as he shrunk before his eyes, enjoying it immensely as he passed Richard’s own height and continued downwards, quickly reaching his shoulder and even vanishing further.

“Wow.” For a moment, Richard didn’t worry at all about the repercussions, only the opportunity. He reached out and ruffled Jeremy’s hair, grinning madly. Then, abruptly, there was a loud pop and his body began to feel a bit strange.

A few seconds later, he found himself facing Jeremy straight in the chest, just like usual. “Oh,” he grumbled, “it’s still you.”

“A fine greeting that is,” laughed Jeremy, ruffling Richard’s hair in revenge.

“It was good to dream,” shrugged Richard. “Where are we?” He looked around, surveying the totally white scene around them. “Did we go outside?” He touched the ground, puzzled.

“Do you not get it?” asked Jeremy. “This isn’t snow. We’re shrunk, this is your bed!”

“I don’t think I can afford to shrink, Jez,” replied Richard, earnestly.

“True,” nodded Jeremy. “More importantly, for the moment, though, where’s Captain Slow?”

Richard looked up, peering in the direction of Jeremy’s room’s door. “He was near the door, I guess he still is.”

“This is a really long way,” gasped Richard, heaving himself over another snow drift sized bump in the duvet and regretted not smoothing it out when he – admittedly briefly – woke up full sized this morning.

“We are never going to make it,” agreed Jeremy, kicking at the same lump until it collapsed sufficiently for him to walk over it. “I don’t do walking.”

“True,” grinned Richard, observing Jeremy’s dishevelled appearance.

“I haven’t had any breakfast either.”

“Ah, I did spot something for that.” Richard, leapt over another duvet drift and then moments later reappeared more slowly, clearly dragging something behind him. “Look!”

“What?” Jeremy stepped onto the bottom of the drift, just high enough to peer beyond his friend. “Oh.”

“Hang on, I think I need to get behind and push,” announced Richard, running round the enormous object and shoving it in Jeremy’s direction.

“Richard?”

“Yes?”

“Is that really what I think it is?”

“I think so.”

“Is that really a giant, red jelly baby?”

“Well, yes and no. It’s really a red jelly baby, and it’s us that are small. I think you must’ve dropped this when you were busy not sharing last night.”

“It’s bigger than me!”

Richard chuckled. “I hate to mention this, Jez, because I know how it damages your ego, but just at the moment there are a great number of things bigger than you.”

Jeremy snorted. “I’ll have to take lessons from you.”

“Ha ha. Yes, I’m very experienced at being smaller than a jelly baby,” panted Richard, finally persuading the gigantic jelly baby to crest the drift and slide down the other side then basically falling down after it. “There. If you eat the top of its head, or possibly the feet, then it will no longer be taller than you.”

“Come on then, Hamster. Let’s get some breakfast.” Jeremy sat down next to the head of the jelly baby, carefully scooping out chunks. “Jelly baby brains.”

“Urgh,” grumbled Richard, trying not to think back to revolting meals of sheep brains. “Just jelly baby, Richard,” he told himself. “The oaf’s just joking about the brains, jelly babies don’t have brains.”

“Hamster,” laughed Jeremy. “Sit!”

The jelly baby tasted amazing, and despite the fact that he was only eating a sweet, and technically brains at that, soon enough Richard’s stomach felt full enough to stop complaining about the absence of breakfast. He felt so much better.

“I want to fill my pockets,” announced Jeremy.

Richard wrinkled his nose. “Isn’t that the sort of thing you find covered in fluff 6 months later?”

Jeremy paused. “I want to eat the whole jelly baby right now!”

“Just one?” Richard laughed.

“That sounds so weird,” agreed Jeremy.

“Yes, and I’m not carrying you if you get sick,” added Richard, trying to imagine the effects of eating a jelly baby larger than himself on the older man.

“Fine, I’ll just have a bit more.”

“Then we can get going?”

“What’s the rush? It’s not like we’re worried about sleeping out in the open here!” Jeremy pointed out.

“True,” Richard conceded, amused. “But it would be nice to find James, work out what’s going on, that sort of thing.”

“That’s fine, I’ve solved it. Instantly, Hammond, all your worries are dealt with.”

“What? How?” Richard turned round to see what Jeremy was looking at. “Ah.”

There, driving towards them, impossibly, across the sea of duvet, was a small, blue Fiat Panda. Naturally, it had a tiny James at the wheel.

“James!” cried Richard. “How does it drive?”

James came to a gentle stop in front of them, and carefully climbed out. “Beautifully,” he responded happily. “Want a lift?”

“Yes,” nodded Richard seriously. “We can pay in jelly baby,” he added, amused by the puzzled look that crossed James face.

“I’d rather kill myself,” said Jeremy, “but yes.”

The little car didn’t have seat belts or any of the typical bits and pieces that they were used to. The seats were hard plastic, and Richard had to climb into the back seat through the front door. It didn’t have indicators, brake lights or anything, yet somehow the really critical parts – engine, steering, braking – all seemed to work. It didn’t make sense, but they were shrunk inside their own cabin, driving along in a toy car during the zombie apocalypse, it didn’t seem the time to worry about little details.

Having said that, it really wasn’t very fast, even adjusted for their current size.

“Does this thing not go any faster?” complained Jeremy.

“I wasn’t expecting to have to do a bed safari in it when I got it, the Fiat Panda is excellent on the road, in traffic, not hurdling the bedding of someone who can’t even be bothered to straighten his own duvet, in a deserted cabin.”

“Technically, I didn’t exactly have a lot of opportunity for duvet straightening before I shrank this morning,” pointed out Richard. “Just saying. If the shrink ray had hung off a bit longer, I might have managed it.”

Jeremy giggled, practically spluttering. “He does have a point.”

James grunted. “That’s no reason not to complain about it.”

Finally, finally, after pootling along the incredibly dirty and bumpy carpet for what felt like 10 miles, they succeeded in reaching the model’s landscaping, and suddenly it began to feel like they were in the real world, provided they ignored the weird sky. The little Panda, finally on more even terrain and, James suspected, happy that it was soon to lose its extra passengers, began to speed up, practically bouncing along the model road. Even better, with this obviously a homemade road, there weren’t multiple directions to get lost in, or traffic jams. He’d be there in no time.

And then, over a tiny, artificial hill, the gravel car park appeared.

Amongst all the, model railway, rolling hills scenery, the Batmobile and the Aston looked distinctly incongruous, but that didn’t affect his companions’ reactions to seeing them. The instant they reached the car park, Jeremy was half way out of the door, and Richard would have been if he could have climbed over the older man.

“I never expected to actually get to drive the Batmobile,” cried Richard, running over to touch his car the instant he managed to extract himself from the Panda. “Wow.” He beamed at it. “Just wow. He looked down at his rough, sleeping clothes – some jogging trousers and a dark T-shirt. “I should really have a costume.”

“Richard?” called Jeremy. “You do know you’re not actually Batman, don’t you?”

“Well, yes, but…”

Jeremy and James exchanged a roll of the eyes over Richard’s head, which he chose to ignore.

The Batmobile! He couldn’t wait any longer, Richard opened the door and climbed in, marvelling at all the switches and dials inside before settling down at the wheel. “Wow.”

Leaving Richard in his own little Bat-Heaven, Jeremy made his way over to his Aston, pleased to envisage carrying out this, rather unusual, journey in comfort. “Yes,” he muttered under his breath, “the Aston’s all in one piece.”

“And not even second hand,” pointed out James.

“True,” smiled Jeremy. “No breakdowns this trip then?”

“Strewth man, when will you learn not to say that sort of thing!” James walked away, shaking his head, apparently trying to distance himself and his Panda from the comment.

“James?” said Jeremy, unexpectedly quickly, given that he was about to get into his Aston for the first time, and James had been expecting him to need a moment alone.

“What? You gone off it already?”

“It…. It doesn’t have a door!”

“What?” James practically choked. “You bought a car without a door?”

“I wasn’t expecting to actually drive it at the time!”

“When has what you were expecting ever been relevant with Mr Wilman?” observed James, wandering back to observe the extent of Jeremy’s problem.

Richard reached for the starter button, intending to take the car for a quick spin around the car park, when he realised that he couldn’t actually reach the pedals.

Or move the seat.

“That,” he said to himself, “could be a problem.”

Without any tools, turning the solid metal frame of the car into a door seemed impossible, so Jeremy, James and Richard tackled the plastic window above where the door should have been, trying to remove the window with a makeshift hammer made out of a stick and a rock, and finally when that failed a hefty kick with a foot. Eventually, it was Jeremy’s boot that claimed the honour as the window fell into the passenger seat.

“Yes,” yelled Jeremy. “I am victorious!”

“Finally,” sighed Richard, sinking to the ground, pleasantly surprised to realise that it was neither cold nor wet.

“Right,” said Jeremy. “Time to climb in.” He removed the window, tossing it to the ground, then lifted his feet through the window, trying to slide his body in through the window.

James and Richard watched in fascination as Jeremy’s legs slowly slid further into his car, succeeding right up until the point where Jeremy had to squeeze his stomach past the door frame.

“Guys?” called Jeremy, now unable to look behind him. “A little help, I think I’m stuck.”

“James?” Richard turned to his companion, amused to see a look of mischief on his face.

“Well, we don’t want to rush,” grinned James.

“I’d suggest a drink, but I don’t have any supplies,” bantered Richard.

“You thinking popcorn?”

“Oh yeah,” sighed Richard. “Popcorn would be great.”

“Help me!” cried Jeremy.

Richard and James stood up as one, content that they’d tormented the older man enough.

“What seems to be the problem?” asked James, innocently.

“I’m stuck!” repeated Jeremy.

“So, I’m thinking that this would be easier if you removed the passenger seat first,” suggested Richard.

“Maybe, but at the moment I can’t do that,” panted Jeremy. “Hurry up!”

Richard took a look at the completely wedged body of Jeremy, wondering how on earth to help him, when James came to the rescue.

“Come on, Hammond, you can’t lift him, we’ll take one shoulder each and walk away from the car until he’s free enough to get out.”

“OK,” grinned Richard. “That’s a better plan.” He took his position, aiming his shoulder just beneath Jeremy’s shoulder and waiting for James to do the same.

With a significant amount of grunting, and a distinctly pained groan from Jeremy, 10 minutes later, the three of them lay in a heap next to Jeremy’s car, the tallest man now free of his car again.

“New plan needed,” announced Jeremy, rubbing his sore legs.

“I was thinking if we removed the passenger seat,” began Richard.

James laughed, “Only because you need to use it as a booster seat to reach your own pedals.”

“Well, yes,” Richard grinned. “I’m not that helpful by default.”

“Booster seat,” chuckled Jeremy. “Really?”

“It turns out that Batman’s quite tall,” protested Richard.

“I would like to point out,” put in James, “that this is really the moment where the two of you should agree to swap cars.”

“What?” cried Richard and Jeremy at once.

“I’m not pretending to be Batman,” objected Jeremy. “Even if I am going to end up wearing the Aston like a hat.”

Richard frowned. “Likewise. It’s the Batmobile!!”

“So we’re getting the passenger seat out then?” concluded James. “And trying to get it through the window.”

“That’s the plan,” said Richard, hopefully.

It was quite a plan. The seat, it turned out, was definitely larger than the window they’d removed, and despite James’s efforts, neither of his friends seemed to want to give up and swap cars. Eventually, however, they succeeded in removing just the back of the chair, and James declared that that was going to have to do.

Praying like crazy, Richard ran with the piece of chair back to the Batmobile, pushing it into the seat in front of him, then taking his place and finally, reaching the car’s pedals. Granted, it was still a bit of a stretch, but driveable, he’d get used to it. As he pressed the button to start the engine, his heart was pounding in his chest, his palms sweating as though he was actually off to fight crime in Gotham rather than drive around a deserted model landscape. But wow.. This time, the engine roared to life and Richard moved off around the car park, driving in glorious circles around his companions, spraying gravel out behind him.

Meanwhile, Jeremy, with the extra space provided, squeezed himself successfully into the Aston, first sitting on the floor of the passenger seat, and then shuffling over to the driver’s seat. He had to drive with his knees wedged against the dashboard, and his head was gently pushing the car’s sunroof out, but he was in and he refused to concede that he shouldn’t be driving that car.

And with that, the three of them could finally set off.

The road to the door was pretty straightforward. It wound a little, dodging hedgerows and the occasional barn, though the sheep and cows in the fields were very obviously plastic and stationary. It felt fairly normal, if they concentrated on the road, whizzing along past some random farmland along a country lane, no traffic in sight. It was nice. It was only when they looked at the horizon it was clear that all was not normal. When they took in the sight of the room’s walls, or the door that they were headed for.

The door remained closed, looming ever closer until they approached it.

It was going dark by the time they got there, the window giving less and less light and no way to turn any of the surrounding lights on. They were forced to rely solely on the car’s headlights, such as they were, best guess some sort of small LED. The three of them parked facing the door, using their lights to illuminate the door as they got out to inspect.

The first revelation was that there was no way any of the cars were getting beneath the door. Jeremy’s was the closest, but even if he removed the roof (and his own head), there was no way it was getting through. Even then, there wasn’t much point in getting only one car through – despite their usual philosophy that allowed them to leave a man behind in the field.

“I have a plan,” announced Richard, after several minutes of staring at the impenetrable door.

“Oh God,” said Jeremy.

“What?” asked James.

“My guns,” replied Richard, gesturing at the weapons on top of his Batmobile. “I’ll blow it up.”

“Right,” said James. “Maybe give us a minute to back up a bit?”

“The Hamster with explosives? Back up quite a lot, I’m thinking,” put in Jeremy, entirely failing to leap into his car quickly.

“Hmm, do you think I need to back up too?” asked Richard. “I’m not sure of the range.” He shrugged, waited for Jeremy to depart to a safe distance, then backed up a few centimetres before pressing the very exciting, orange, fire button on his dashboard and sticking his hands over his ears.

He was rewarded with a popping noise as both guns fired at the same time, hitting the door with a dull thud and falling to the ground without even making a mark.

“Oh.” Richard paused for a moment, waiting to see if the bullets were just waiting to explode, then in exactly the way he knew he shouldn’t head back to fireworks, went to take a look.

“Ah,” he said, gesturing to the others that it was safe to return.

“What?” asked Jeremy.

“Nerf bullets,” sighed Richard, waiting for the laughter from the others.

“It is a toy car,” chuckled James. “I guess they’re not keen on little kids,” he nodded meaningfully at Richard, “blowing themselves up.”

“Too many complaints from the parents,” agreed Jeremy, half choking back his own laughter.

“Right,” shrugged Richard. “What now then?”

“You crawl under there and take a look at the other side,” said James.

“Me? But I’ve already had a try, surely it’s your turn?” protested Richard.

“Hamster,” said Jeremy, very deliberately. “Now is the time to make use of your lack of size, and squeeze under the door.”

“To check for zombies?” asked Richard, looking genuinely worried.

“I was thinking more of checking for a key or a big footpad that says ‘open sesame’,” explained James.

“But feel free to look out for zombies,” added Jeremy.

“Thanks, Jez,” said Richard, thrusting his hands in his pockets despondently, and shuffling back to the door to peer under it.

Reaching his arm under the door and waving it around in an effort to sweep away some of the dirt, Richard shuffled forward on his belly, his body slowly disappearing under the door.

It was a tight squeeze, but not to the point that he feared getting stuck. Richard had to concede, however, that Jeremy or James probably would have struggled. As he slowly shuffled his body out of the other side, and onto the landing.

It was strange, reaching the landing. Even though yesterday he would have walked onto the landing without thinking twice about it, today everything had gained a new perspective, it was like he’d successfully climbed a mountain or something, made some major achievement. Nonetheless, it didn’t look any different, there was no sign of the model landscape that dominated Jeremy’s room, just boring, generic carpet and a series of doors to other rooms – all of them closed.

No giant button declaring ‘open sesame’ either.

“No zombies though,” Richard reminded himself, listening carefully to check. The cabin was totally silent. Shrugging, he lay flat on his stomach once more and started to shuffle back into Jeremy’s room.


	3. The Landing

The next morning dawned to find the three men lying on the floor, snoring, and the door now opening onto a landing filled with a continuing model landscape.

James was the first to awake. He sat up slowly, twisting his neck to try and get the kinks out of it, then muttered. “It wasn’t a dream,” as he glared at the landscape in front of him. He then turned his attention to his companions.

Richard, always restless, was close to waking up anyway, so James stopped to prod Jeremy into action, keen to get going and discover something to eat, if nothing else, when he noticed a giant picnic basket at the foot of their sleeping area.

“Well, that wasn’t there yesterday,” he commented, moving over to inspect it.

The picnic basket turned out to belong to Sylvanian Families, something that James found distinctly embarrassing, but it had food in it, and whilst it might have looked a bit odd, it tasted great. James found his mood distinctly improved once his belly was full, and even took the time to hand Richard a baked bean for his breakfast, and Jeremy a drop of coffee taken from their shared thimbleful.

The landing stretched out before them, its expanse exaggerated by the drop of the stairs, which they knew led directly into the main room downstairs and from their current perspective felt unfathomably enormous.

“Straight to the stairs then, chaps?” asked Richard, still holding half his bean as he nibbled through it.

“How are we going to get down the stairs?” asked James.

“I’ve got wings?” offered Richard.

“Yes, they’re probably about as good as your gun, and we’ll have to scrape you off the bottom of the stairs,” observed Jeremy.

“Plus that won’t help either of us get down. I’m pretty sure you can’t tow us down.”

“True.”

“So we need to find something, like a cotton reel, or a ball of string?” suggested Jeremy.

“Or we could drive down the bannisters?” suggested Richard.

“It occurs to me,” said Jeremy, “that we should probably push the cars down the stairs like any toddler would, then climb down the bannisters ourselves. Is there anything in either of your rooms that would be remotely helpful with that?”

“I, errr, no,” said Richard.

“I do,” replied James, after a moment’s pause. “Shoelaces.” He waved his bare feet at the others.

“Shoelaces?” frowned Richard.

“I’ve heard that climbing uses ropes,” pointed out James, “and you’re talking about climbing down the bannisters.”

“Good point,” nodded Jeremy, already moving to make the slow climb into his car. “To James’s room.”

James led them away, usually a mistake, but in this case relatively low risk. They drove to James’s room, just next door to Jeremy’s, over the course of around an hour, to be greeted by another firmly closed door.

“Hamster?” called James, looking over as the ridiculous Batmobile pulled up alongside him. “I think you’re up.”

“Really? You can’t do it?” Richard sulked. “I don’t want to shuffle into your room and mess about with your gigantic, smelly shoes.

“I don’t fit, Hammond,” smiled James, “it’s all yours.”

Richard scowled, but moved over and began to shuffle through the hole under the door as before, his feet slowly disappearing.

“Oh my God!”

“What?” cried Jeremy and James in unison, slightly alarmed.

“James your shoes really stink. And there was a beetle living in them.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“No really, I’m going to have to hold my breath.”

“Ha ha,” said James, still not buying it, taking a seat on the bonnet of his car. Jeremy, probably wisely, decided to stay in the driver’s seat, rather than going through the pain of climbing in and out again.

Richard was quiet for a few moments, long enough that James started to wonder if something had happened to him. Was Richard small enough to get eaten by a beetle? Then, suddenly, a small body and a toothy grin emerged from under the door, dragging an enormous length of shoelace with him.

“Success!” he exclaimed, handing James one end of his shoelace. “Do you think that’ll fit in your car?”

“The Panda can be surprisingly spacious,” said James, ignoring Richard’s look of incredulity.

“Good to know,” he responded cheekily, leaping back into the Batmobile and firing the nerf gun at James, just once, for effect.

“Child,” grumbled James, going back to stuffing shoelace into the back of his car.

Unexpectedly, the road towards the stairs began to get more bumpy, even climbing a bit as it made its way across the landing. Suddenly, instead of a beautiful, flat, model landscape, they were finding potholes and even tricky muddy patches where, annoyingly, the Panda sailed through no problem, but several times the long Batmobile, and the Aston had struggled. Jeremy was not impressed, particularly when it got to the point where he had to climb out of the car.

“Noooo,” he groaned, when he got stuck again and ended up pushed out of a pothole and into yet another hedge by Richard in the Batmobile as he attempted – probably – to help. “I’m stuck!”

“Again?” said Richard, apparently sounding surprised.

“Yes, your helpful push just landed me in the hedge.”

“The front of this is very pointy,” replied Richard, “it makes it quite hard to direct into other cars.”

“Yes, and the hedge looked tempting?” observed Jeremy.

“Well yes,” said Richard, to himself. “Obviously.”

Slowly, Jeremy climbed out of his car, carefully trying not to land face first in the mud patch his car had barely escaped. At least these cars were pretty light to push, easy enough for one man, provided the steering wheel was pointed the right way. Once he was free of the car, Jeremy found it relatively quick work to push the car out of the hedge, but then his efforts were accompanied by a nasty scraping noise.

“Jez!” called Richard from behind him. “Stop!”

“What?”

“Your wheel’s come off!”

Jeremy looked round, finally seeing the state of the rear wheel, which had come free of the axle and lay on its side on the ground.

“That seems rather serious.”

“Not something that happens every day, that,” agreed Richard, bending down to pick up the stray wheel and inspecting it. “It doesn’t look damaged, do you reckon you can lift up the car long enough for me to push it back on?”

“It’s a toy car, Hamster, of course I can.”

“I hate to mention this, Jez, but you’re 3cm tall.”

“It’s fine,” responded Jeremy, “just don’t hang about too long.”

“I can lift it, if you’d prefer,” offered Richard.

“How is that better?”

Richard shrugged, “Not sure.”

“Ready?” Jeremy grabbed the Aston’s wheel arch, then waited for Richard to manoeuvre the wheel into position.

“Ready,” replied Richard.

Jeremy lifted, easily revealing the axle and allowing Richard to quickly push the wheel back on, then placing the whole thing back down.

“I am Geoff Capes! I can lift a car.”

“A toy car, mate,” pointed out Richard.

“A car that is bigger than me,” corrected Jeremy, pausing. “Richard?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think you can drive the Aston for a bit?”

“What?” Richard looked at him, confused.

“I’ve scraped my back and legs getting in and out, my knees are killing me from being pressed into the crumple zone.”

“It’s too small, then?”

“Well, yes,” admitted Jeremy. “But I’m helping you too.”

“How do you work that out?” asked Richard.

“Because I’ve seen you driving, the Batmobile’s too big, even with your special booster cushion. You keep slipping off the pedals, crunching gears.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right. So we’re going to swap?”

“For a bit, at least,” nodded Jeremy.

“OK.” Richard turned sadly and patted the Batmobile on the nose. “Sorry,” he whispered. “I’m going to have to let the oaf drive you.”

“I’ll take good care of it, Hamster,” laughed Jeremy.

Richard slid into the Aston easily, his body barely touching the edge of the window, and his feet quickly reaching the pedals. It was a lovely little car. Clearly, not intended for Jeremy, but not a bad fit at all. As long as its wheels didn’t keep falling off, this should be a nice ride. He turned the ignition key, and headed off after James.

Behind Richard, Jeremy hauled himself into the Batmobile, tossed the booster cushion onto the back shelf and pushed the exciting orange button – only once – to fire at Richard as he left. Then, smiling smugly to himself, he reached his feet to the pedals, and comfortably set off driving. Now, he could admit, playing Batman was pretty cool.

Surprisingly, given how little distance they’d travelled, it was going dark again by the time they’d reached the top of the stairs. Somehow, given the difficulties they expected with descending the stairs, doing so in the dark wasn’t all that appealing. Also, there was a hotel at the top of the stairs.

The hotel was made of Lego, and manned by inanimate Lego men – all of whom were notably taller than Jeremy, but it had beds, lights, and another exciting picnic basket of food – this time the Lego version.

“Wow,” said James, parking neatly in the hotel’s carefully marked, Lego car park, and climbing out to admire the hotel. “That is fantastic.”

“Yeah,” agreed Richard, stepping out of Jeremy’s car effortlessly, and admiring the well-lit, brightly coloured hotel. “I hope the beds aren’t too knobbly though.”

Jeremy laughed. “That would be a bit inconvenient.”

“It would,” nodded James. “Shall we go in and find out?”

The three of them entered through the hotel’s revolving door, complete with a stationary Lego porter.

“I think the scale’s not quite right,” commented Jeremy, looking up at the porter. “This doesn’t usually happen in real life.”

“You might be right,” grinned Richard. “I feel child sized.”

“We didn’t like to say anything,” laughed James.

“Yeah, right.” Richard was laughing too though, he really did feel a bit ridiculous in here.

“The advantage is, of course,” added James, “that it makes all the meals that much bigger.” He gestured to what appeared to be the hotel restaurant, with a single table set for them, with several plates of food all laid out ready.

“Wow, yes,” said Richard, practically running to the table to inspect it. “Look, a piece of meatball, on a strand of spaghetti!” He leapt onto one of the chairs, and grabbed a fork, then paused, observing the height of the table. “Though a cushion might be handy.”

James reached out and prized one of the tiles from the wall. “Here,” he offered, trying not to laugh too much. “Is that enough?”

“Thanks, mate,” grinned Richard, now able to see his food without standing up.

“This is a good meatball,” said Jeremy, between mouthfuls.

“Fantastic,” agreed James, finally taking his own seat, and reaching for the drop of beer in a Lego mug enthusiastically.

Although it had been a long day, and they were all tired, it was some time before they headed upstairs to find their rooms. The opportunity for good food, and beer was too good to be missed. Once slightly drunk, James also insisted that he needed to check the structural integrity of the hotel before heading upstairs too, walking round the entire perimeter of the hotel tapping on walls and support columns.

“It’s really a good job the staff here are all inanimate,” remarked Jeremy, turning to Richard who was dragging his feet behind James.

“Yeah, I can see why, I’m going to be inanimate pretty soon.”

Jeremy chuckled. “He does take a while, doesn’t he? Maybe we should leave him to it. I’d like to suggest we paint his car yellow, or something, but there’s no paint.”

“We could glue Lego to it?” suggested Richard, taking in some of the gaudier tiles.

“No one to be embarrassed by either,” sighed Jeremy, “we’re going to have to be more radical.”

“Such as?”

“Hide the driver’s seat,” announced Jeremy, looking very pleased with himself now that he had a plan.

Richard giggled. “Let’s go.” And with that the two of them crept out of the front door of the hotel.

They rejoined James 15 minutes later, where he’d reached the stairs and was checking them for cracks. Richard had a suspicious amount of hedgerow green in his hair, but otherwise there was no sign that they’d ever left, and James didn’t appear to have noticed at all – he was probably grateful they’d shut up whining for a bit.

“Are we ready?” asked Jeremy, looking at James.

“Just…”

“Really, James, it’s fine – let’s go get some sleep!” exclaimed Richard, turning and very deliberately walking up the stairs.

James patted the stairs one last time, muttering, “Well if he wants to kill himself on an unsound staircase.”

“James,” said Jeremy.

“I’m coming,” replied James, finally taking the hint and trudging after Richard and Jeremy up the stairs.

“Finally!” Richard rolled his eyes, running up the remainder of the stairs to reach the landing, where three doors led to three, colourful, Lego rooms. He stuck his head round the door of the first one. “Thank God,” he called. “No knobbles on the bed!”

The others laughed behind him.

“Night then,” called Jeremy, heading to another of the rooms.

“This feels oddly familiar,” commented James, heading in himself. “Night!”


	4. Descent

None of them were too sure what had woken them up in the morning, though they had all had a good night’s sleep, prior to waking up rather suddenly at 9.30am. Their complaints were brief, however, as when they made it back downstairs, they found a full English breakfast waiting for them. And large amounts of coffee.

The peace sustained for, roughly, 5 minutes. Then James, who was already tense because of their imminent stair descent, discovered his missing chair.

“Clarkson! Was this you?”

“Might have been,” muttered Jeremy from a safe distance.

“Hammond!”

“Yeah?” whispered Richard, hiding behind Jeremy’s car.

“Will you to prats return my seat immediately, before I start using my car to extract vital parts of your anatomy!”

“Oooo, good threat,” commented Richard, trying not to giggle. “How long do we leave him?”

“Scarper now?” suggested Jeremy.

“You can’t scarper in that!” laughed Richard, pointing at the Aston.

“You take that,” said Jeremy.

“Batmobile growing on you?”

“I do quite like some of the features,” conceded Jeremy. “Come on!”

Jeremy leapt into Richard’s Batmobile, leaving Richard to climb as quickly as possible through the window of the Aston. He was fast, but as Jeremy roared out of the car park and towards the stairs, Richard reversed and the wheel fell off the car again.

“Arse,” said Richard, climbing out of the window again, only to have James grab him by his shirt.

“Hammond!”

“Yeah, yeah, OK.” Richard raised his hands. “How about you help me fix the wheel, and I’ll help you with the seat?”

“It’s a start,” grumbled James, letting him go. “First, you fetch the seat.”

Richard didn’t hesitate, there was no point now. He ran over to the hedge he and Jeremy had pushed the seat into, and quickly extracted it. “Help me with the wheel?”

“How come you’re in Jezza’s car?”

“He’s a fat oaf?” suggested Richard. “And the Batmobile’s better.”

“Ha ha,” said James. “You can’t really drive it either, can you?”

“Maybe..”

“Come on,” said James. “Am I lifting the car or slotting the wheel on? Then we can go and catch up to the great oaf.”

“Err.”

“Forget I said anything,” added James, eyeing his smaller friend dubiously. “I’ll lift, you slot the wheel on.”

Soon, both of them were on their way, and not very long after that, they caught up with Jeremy, at the summit of the stairs. Jeremy stood gazing down the descent, the Batmobile parked at his side, almost staring into space.

“That’s really a long way down,” he said, as James came to stand alongside him.

“You’re telling me,” agreed James, nervously.

“So, pushing the cars over, is that still the plan?” asked Richard as he joined them.

“Yep,” said James. “Batmobile first,” he added “We can stick the wings out.”

The three of them walked round behind the Batmobile, and Richard leaned into the driver’s seat to flip the wings out, flipping the button and then feeling his shins taken out as the wings launched from their compartment on the underside of the car at some pace. To the tune of Jeremy and James’s raucous laughter, Richard rolled rapidly away from the car and plunged down the first stair.

It was a long way down.

“Hamster!”

The laughter stopped and two, middle aged motoring journalists leaned over the edge, the shorter of the two leaning on his stomach as he did so. 

For a moment, there was no movement below, just a small body lying completely stationary on the next stair, with no way to tell whether he was injured.

“Hamster?” yelled Jeremy, noting James’s look. “What? He’s more likely to respond to that, he finds it annoying.”

“That’s a really long drop,” said James. “Maybe 8 times Hammond’s height.”

“He’s very springy,” protested Jeremy. “And he’s got a lot of lives.”

“It is quite a squashy carpet,” conceded James, realising that there had been no model landscape added to the stairs. “Nice on the feet.”

A groan reached their ears from below.

“Hamster? Are you OK?” called Jeremy again.

“Richard?” shouted James.

“Yeah?” grunted the other man. “What happened?”

The two older men glanced at each other. “The Batmobile flung you off the top of the stairs.”

“Ah.” Richard paused. “So I’ve saved myself some climbing then?”

“Yeah, you pillock,” agreed James.

“There are easier ways,” added Jeremy. “Can you stand back against the stair? We’re going to launch the cars.”

Richard staggered to his feet, and shuffled over to the stair obediently, clearly successfully moving under his own power, though not entirely comfortably.

Jeremy winced a little in sympathy, then pulled James up off the ground as he moved to the back of the Batmobile. “Come on, let’s get this done. Then we can go and check on our Hamster.”

James nodded curtly, and positioned himself behind one of the rear wheels as Jeremy took the other, and together they pushed. The Batmobile flew beautifully over the edge, soaring over two stairs as though it was actually going to fly, then plummeted towards the stairs, bouncing down the last few to land at the bottom, nerf bullets flying with each bounce. As it fell, a panicked yell came from below them.

“What are you shouting about, Hamster? It’s nowhere near you!” shouted Jeremy, peering over the side once more to see if he could spot his friend.

“There’s a great big spider!” yelped Richard. “It’s huge!”

“It’s just a spider, stay out of its way,” called back Jeremy.

“It’s coming to get me! Jez, help!

“Hamster…” began Jeremy.

“No, really, I think it’s going to eat me, I can see its fangs! Jez!”

Jeremy sighed dramatically, and looked at James. “Can you handle pushing the other two cars over?”

“Yeah, no problem,” responded James.

“I’d better go and see what all the fuss is about,” said Jeremy, reaching into James’s Panda to grab the shoelace.

“Jez! Jez! Please, I’m stuck!” The shrieks, if anything, rose in volume, sounding more and more desperate.

Jeremy reached the top bannister, and carefully tied the end of the shoelace around it, then slowly lowered himself down, following the slope of the side rail rather than the sheer drop of the stairs, but still reaching the next stair reasonably quickly. “I am Batman,” he declared, looking up at the top bannister and feeling very pleased with himself.

“Jez!” squeaked Richard, now sounding very nearby.

Against the back of the stair, where they had told him to stand, Richard stood, clearly panicked, facing an absolutely massive, probably 10cm, spider with vicious looking fangs and eyes. “Come on then,” he beckoned to Richard, not that keen to go much closer, though he had no particular fear of spiders.

“I can’t, it’s got me!”

“It’s nowhere near you, it’s just standing there!” replied Jeremy, baffled.

“The web! I’m trapped in here with this enormous buzzy fly and there’s a monster spider coming to eat me!”

“Don’t be stupid, Hamster, you’d taste terrible,” responded Jeremy, but he stepped forwards, closer to his friend, holding his hand out.

“A bit closer, Jez,” panted Richard, moving towards Jeremy as far as he could, but with his right hand and foot clearly caught on something – apparently spider web.

Jeremy looked at the spider again, but it didn’t seem too bothered, it just stood there looking threatening. Hopefully a sign that the fly looked juicier than either of them. Humming his own version of the Batman tune, he reached forward even further and got a good grip on Richard’s, incredibly sweaty, hand, yanking for all he was worth.

For a moment, there was resistance, then suddenly, Richard sprang free, flailing into Jeremy and knocking him over before landing on top of him.

Jeremy lay there for a moment, completely winded, then slowly stood up, pulling Richard with him as he did so. “You OK, Hamster?” he whispered, looking up again at the spider, which still hadn’t moved. It was probably surprised.

“Not really,” replied Richard, his whole body shaking as he wrapped his arms round Jeremy’s waist. “Thanks, Jez.”

Keeping an eye on the spider, Jeremy put his arms round Richard, watching the younger man take deep breaths to try and calm himself down. Then, when the worst seemed to have passed, he started to shuffle them back towards the shoelace. The spider still hadn’t moved, but he was willing to bet it was much faster than them.

“Geronimo!”

Above them, they heard James’s warning cry as he hurled the Aston over the edge of the stair, clearly not far enough as it immediately bounced off the next stair, taking the spider with it as it hurtled to the bottom stair by stair.

“Nice shot, Slow!” yelled Jeremy.

“I thought you might appreciate it,” called back James cheerfully. “All right, Hammond?”

“I’ll be OK,” sighed Richard, his eyes trained on where the spider had been standing. But, uncharacteristically, he hadn’t yet let go of Jeremy.

“Come on,” said Jeremy, carefully placing an arm round Richard’s still shivering shoulders. “Let’s go fetch Slow, before you find any more trouble.”

They staggered up the steep edge of the bannisters, using the rope to hold them as they did so, and a few minutes later, they were back at the top of the stairs, just in time to see James push the Panda over the edge and watch it bounce down, its doors flinging open as it went.

“Phew,” said Richard, placing both feet very deliberately on the ground and then lying float on the floor for a breather.

“Tough morning?” asked James, glancing meaningfully at his watch.

“Yeah,” groaned Richard, “you could say.” He took a moment to pat himself down for injuries, finding a number of bruises, but nothing more serious than that. “I think that spider gave me a heart attack,” he said, “worse than the Batmobile hurling me off a cliff!

As he staggered back to his feet, Jeremy patted him on the shoulder again, then turned to James. “Are you ready for this?” he asked.

“Not really,” responded James. “Not like I have any choice though, is it. Unless I’m going to stay at the Lego hotel indefinitely.”

“Tempting,” put in Richard.

“Yeah.”

“Right, let’s get going then,” said Jeremy, gesturing back to the shoelace he’d tied earlier. “I’ll go first, James you follow me, then Richard – when we get to the next stair, untie the shoelace from the bannister, tie it round your waist and we’ll keep hold of it while you slide down.”

“That’s a surprisingly good plan,” remarked James, “for an orang-utan.”

Jeremy grinned. “I am a genius,” he declared, “plus - swinging from trees,” he suggested.

“That’ll be it,” nodded James. “Alright, Richard?” he asked the smallest man, noticing his unusual quietness.

“Hoping not to fall off again,” he replied, gazing at the drop.

“We’ve got the rope to catch you,” pointed out James, “you’re not really big enough to pull us over.”

“True,” nodded Richard. He nearly added, ‘if you’re paying attention,’ but after this morning, that didn’t seem quite fair, so he left it at that. Mocking, certainly – he’d probably get an earful of that later, not to mention Jeremy’s prowess – but dropping him to his death, probably not.

The trip down the stairs was much less eventful, but nonetheless quite stressful. James spent a good deal of the time climbing down the shoelace with his eyes firmly clamped shut, and on two separate occasions, Richard missed the rail as he slid down and ended up dangling on the end of the shoelace from a great height above the living room floor, held up only by his co-presenters. Despite that, all three of them reached the bottom, and found their cars. The Panda, which had had the worst trip down, had lost a door, but its wheels seemed largely intact and the door slid back on again once they found it. The Aston had lost its wheel again, but the wheel was found nearby and replaced easily. The Batmobile no longer had any bullets left, and the wings were damaged beyond repair, but the car itself was fully functional, only upside down. The three weary men gathered to one side of it, desperately rocking it to get it to right itself, before finally collapsing into a heap on the ground beside it, reluctant to move another inch. Or millimetre.

It's possible they’d napped, Richard wasn’t sure, he thought maybe he had – just letting all that adrenaline from the various falls and that terrifying spider leave his system. When he came round, he felt vastly refreshed and twenty times calmer, and he wasn’t sure what would achieve that other than sleep, especially as he didn’t have any beer. He sat up slowly, looking at his companions sprawled to either side of him. James let out a loud snort, confirming that he, too, was taking a nap. Well, he’d had a rough day too, he really didn’t enjoy heights at all, and those stairs had been terrifying, perhaps amongst the most terrifying heights they’d ever attempted. When he turned to Jeremy, however, he looked straight back, giving him a small smile.

“That was quite scary, poo was coming out,” he said.

Richard nodded, aware that the whole day had seemed pretty scary. “Which part are you thinking of?”

“The spider,” he replied. “And when you went over that first stair.”

Richard shuddered, and swallowed. “Yeah.”

James snorted himself awake, changing the subject conveniently.

“So, time to find a hotel again, I think,” announced Jeremy, getting to his feet, and grabbing James to raise him, when he’d barely opened his eyes.

“I’m hoping the Lego men made a chain,” said James. “That place was great!”

“As long as it’s not Barbie,” put in Richard.

“Nah, the scale’d be way off, I think we’re safe,” responded Jeremy. “Wait, what’s that?”

“Where?” Richard walked to his side, trying to work out where Jeremy was looking.

“That is not a hotel,” declared James, from Jeremy’s other side. “It looks more like a forest.”

“A fake forest?” asked Richard, a bit puzzled.

“No, trees have started growing in the cabin,” teased Jeremy.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said James.

His feelings were worse when they reached the forest and the details became more obvious. Rather than a forest, with perhaps tents to stay in – not that he’d been hoping for camping, exactly – they found the Ewok village, nestled almost under the stairs, behind a row of potted plants that James was certain hadn’t been there before.

“Cock,” said James.

“What? Camping in the trees?” said Richard. “Doesn’t seem so bad.”

James rolled his eyes. “Have you watched Star Wars?”

“Well, no, not as such,” admitted Richard.

“There are lots of heights,” put in Jeremy. “And evil zombie teddy bears, that might also be nearly as embarrassing as Barbie.”

“Zombies? Really?”

“Well,” Jeremy shrugged. “Maybe not actually zombies.”

“Definitely heights though,” pointed out James. “After the nice, relaxing, with our feet firmly on the ground kind of day we’ve had.”

“You could always sleep at the bottom,” pointed out Jeremy. “Look, you could lie on that comfortable netting.”

“And spend the night worrying that the Ewoks would decide I’m barbecue material?”

“What?” Richard looked worried.

“Pretty sure they’re inanimate like the Lego men, Hamster,” said Jeremy, laughing.

“But they’re prone to barbecuing people?”

“On occasion,” nodded Jeremy. “It’s OK, just don’t annoy them.”

“But I always…” Richard gulped. “Maybe I should stay down here with James.”

“Don’t be a wuss, they’re plastic figures.” Jeremy grabbed Richard by the arm and propelled him towards the rickety looking staircase. “James? You coming, or staying?”

“I’m coming,” grumbled James.

The steps wound up and around several trees, reaching quite a height in the tree tops, but all of the Ewoks they saw were just figures. Richard, in particular, was quite grateful, it was a bit like being surrounded by real grizzly bears, given that they were all roughly twice his height – they looked enormous. Their relative size also gave him far too much insight into the knives they all seemed to wear on their belts. He wasn’t at all sure why James and Jeremy thought they were harmless and slightly embarrassing, they looked terrifying.

Finally, they reached a platform, surrounded by small huts and a tiny, fake fireplace, which included some plates with piles of meat on them. There were more figures, even baby Ewoks (who Richard was embarrassed to admit were roughly his size), but no sign of anything that moved.

“These figures were hard to get hold of, you know,” observed James. “Quite rare.”

“I can’t imagine why anyone would want them!” shuddered Richard, eyeing yet another vicious looking knife on one’s belt.

“I think they’re much cuter when they’re smaller than you,” said James, dryly. “Come on, Hammond, grab some meat and sit down.”

“Meat!” cried Jeremy, laughing, but reaching down to grab all three plates and pass them round before sitting down himself and ramming some of the meat from his plate into his mouth.

It had been relatively early when they’d arrived, so there was plenty of time to sit round the fireplace putting the world to rights. Once Richard had decided that the Ewoks weren’t going to come to life, and James decided he was far enough from the massive drop to put it out of his mind, they were able to relax into it – finally winding down after several days of madness.

As it started to grow dark, Richard started to nod off, leaning forward into the remains of his meat feast. Silently, gesturing to James to join him, Jeremy shifted away, heading for the hut that had clearly been set aside for them to sleep in, with one single bed and a rickety looking bunk bed inside.

“What?” whispered James, unclear what all the subterfuge was about.

“Look,” grinned Jeremy – gesturing to what looked like a pile of fur in the corner.

“Extra blankets? Are you cold?” James was still baffled.

“No, look, they’re Ewok costumes!”

“Ahh… I see your thinking…”

Jeremy beamed at him, reaching for the first costume and arranging the legs ready to put them on.

“Nice,” added James, holding up a couple of lengths of rope. “Just to add to the effect.”

Jeremy glanced outside, observing the fireplace carefully, before nodding his agreement. “Perfect.”

Quickly, the two of them donned their Ewok costumes, carefully strapping on the essential knife around the middle, and taking a length of rope each.

They crept up to their sleeping friend, the rope held menacingly in their hands. Then, once they were in position, Jeremy deliberately started jabbering in something reminiscent of Ewok, and grabbed at Richard’s hand.

Richard, instantly awake, tried to pull away from him just as James grabbed his other hand, yelling loudly.

“Get off me! I’m staying at your hotel, you can’t eat me!”

“Jabba jabba jabba,” said Jeremy, convincingly, dragging Richard towards the fire.

Hampered by the Ewok costume’s paws, James lost his hold, leaving Jeremy to drag Richard solo. Quickly, Richard realised his advantage and launched himself at Jeremy, pushing the other man over in his surprise, before running for it – heading for the steps at pace.

“Hamster! It’s just us!” yelled James after him, as Jeremy began to giggle uncontrollably.

“James? Jez?” Richard clearly recognised Jeremy’s laugh. For a moment, despite the inevitable incoming anger, the man relaxed in genuine relief, and took several paces back into the camp. Then he started yelling at them instead.

“You bastards! I don’t like it with these freaky bears!”

Shaking his head, and removing the head of the costume, he walked over to Richard. “Calm down, Hamster, we were only messing with you.”

“Messing with me is yelling ‘Boo’ and making me jump, not threatening to tie me to a stake in front of a bunch of homicidal teddy bears.”

“Fictional, inanimate teddy bears,” pointed out Jeremy.

“It didn’t look like that!” complained Richard.

“You fell asleep at the campfire,” added Jeremy. “And we didn’t draw a moustache on you.”

“Oh well, that’s OK then. And now I’m fairly certain I’ll never sleep again, so that’ll be fine too.”

“Sorry, Hammo,” said Jeremy, giving Richard his best ashamed, pouty face.

Richard, although still cross, was too relieved to spend any more time shouting or making a fuss. “Where are we sleeping?” he asked, tiredly.

“We’ve saved you the top bunk,” said Jeremy, guiding Richard to their little hut. “So you can feel tall – and the Ewoks can’t get you.”

Richard rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Jez.”


	5. Sofa Crossing

Bright and early in the morning, Richard leapt out of the top bunk, barely missing James’s wandering foot below, and began stirring his companions.

“Wakey, wakey! Rise and shine! Time to get up!”

“Unnngggghh,” said James.

“Hmmm?” added Jeremy.

“Feeling a bit tired are we?” laughed Richard. “That’s what a guilty conscience will do for you.”

“If you say so,” grunted James, rolling over and trying to go back to sleep.

“Come on, Jez!” Richard reached out and shook the shoulder of his other friend, urging him to open his eyes.

Jeremy, normally a light sleeper, gazed blearily at him after a truly awful night’s sleep. Ordinarily, sleeping through James’s snoring was quite bad enough, but throwing in Richard’s weird – noisy – bear nightmares and it added up to no sleep at all for anyone else.

“Not yet,” he said. “Go argue with an Ewok.”

Richard laughed. “I’m going for a run in the treetops, then I’ll see if I can see any breakfast.”

Baffled, Jeremy also rolled back over and went back to sleep.

The next thing he knew, he was faced with a still grinning Hamster and a plate of what looked like bacon cubes and giant lumps of bread, bouncing around on the side of his bed, and apparently annoying James just as much.

“Hammond!” grumbled James, swiping an arm at him from within the other bed, but missing entirely.

“I have breakfast. It looks a bit weird, but probably edible, no eyeballs or anything.”

“Bonus,” agreed Jeremy, finally opening his eyes properly, and conceding that any further sleep was unlikely. He had no idea what was going on with Richard this morning, but it was too much effort to fight it.

Despite the vicious enthusiasm, it still took another hour to get both Jeremy and James dressed and out of the hut. Still, by the time they were both on firm ground again – to James’s relief, and Richard could put freakish teddy bears behind him, the day seemed a lot more attractive to everyone.

The landscape, however, had changed radically in the night.

They now had two choices. To their left, lay a hilly route that, by the look of it, took them across the sofa, climbing high above the ground before crossing the valley on the other side. To their right, however, lay a path through the kitchen area, apparently even crossing the sink and the hobs. Apparently, judging by the spectacular volcano occupying the middle of the room, straight across the middle of the floor was no longer an option.

“Left or right?” said Jeremy, hands on hips, surveying their choices.

James looked both ways carefully. “Left,” he said, decisively.

Richard shrugged. “Left is fine.”

“Left then,” announced Jeremy. “Onwards!” He glanced at Richard, then deliberately climbed into the Batmobile and roared away. Richard shrugged again, then wandered over to the Aston.

“Guess Jezza’s had a change of heart about you,” he told it, patting it lightly, and admitting to himself that it was much more comfortable to drive than the Batmobile – even if he did miss the fantasy. He could spend some time with the fantasy again later, when he wasn’t trying to navigate steep hills and ferocious cushions.

“Come on, Hammond,” yelled James, apparently in an uncharacteristic hurry. Or, possibly, just feeling smug because his car had actual doors. And wheels that stayed on.

They set off in good spirits, not really caring that Jeremy was far ahead of them. The road was gently winding its way towards the zigzags of the grass green coated chair mountain – which would lead them all the way up to the arm of the sofa – but for the moment they remained on firm ground and the sun was streaming in through the huge window, making it feel like they really were outside. It was stunning. Both cars were humming along happily, James’s Panda apparently just as fast as the Aston, which was great, because now Richard didn’t feel like he had to wait for him.

The moment was short lived. As they reached the foot of the sofa mountain, they caught up with Jeremy, who apparently wasn’t having quite such a nice day.

“So, umm,” giggled Richard. “What exactly happened here?” He walked around the scene, because really a scene was the only way to describe it, even to himself. It looked very much like it needed a police cordon, and several ambulances.

“I had a bit of an accident,” said Jeremy. “I’ve gone off the Batmobile, it’s a terrible car.”

“Right,” said Richard, still unclear. “How…?”

“You pillock,” added James, wandering round to observe himself, not needing any explanation to reach that conclusion.

“I might have fired the harpoon,” admitted Jeremy, looking ashamed.

“Yeah…?”

“And the car got stuck, stopped very suddenly when it reached the end of the cable – which didn’t release at all.”

“Yeah…”

“So, I got out – to release it myself.”

“Yeah…”

“And I fell in this hole in the floorboards.”

“Ah.” Finally, Richard could make some sense of it. “Really?” he started to giggle more, certain that this was payback for the Ewok attack last night. “Karma,” he coughed under his breath.

“Hamster!”

“You want something?” smirked Richard.

“Yes, I’d like you to pull me out.”

“Really?” Richard raised his eyebrows. “What do you think, James?”

“I think it’s been lovely this morning, very peaceful.”

“A million pounds, and a promise not to dress up as a teddy bear ever again,” offered Jeremy.

“Not ever?” asked Richard, just checking.

“Definitely not,” promised Jeremy. “Never ever.”

Richard turned to look at James, raising an eyebrow.

“I suppose so,” said James. “How are we supposed to get the great oaf out though?”

“Tricky,” agreed Richard. “He is quite tall.”

“Just grab an arm each, you idiots! Pull!”

There was a moment of hesitation, but James and Richard both moved to grab Jeremy’s arms, each of them moving to their respective shoulder and pulling as hard as they could up and out of the gap in the floorboards that seemed to have grabbed their friend.

“It’s a good job you didn’t fall in here, Hamster,” said Jeremy.

“Why?” asked Richard dubiously.

“You’d have disappeared without a trace! Probably been chased by all the spiders under the floor.”

“Don’t!” cried Richard. “You’re in a very precarious position at the moment, you don’t want to put me off – I don’t know – rescuing you, for instance.”

“I’m sorry Richard, I’ll be good.”

The two men pulled again, inching Jeremy up from where he was stuck, but struggling to keep him from falling back again as they took a break.

“Jez?” said James. “How many helpings of that meat did you have yesterday?”

“Oy,” complained Jeremy. “Same as you!”

“Bloody hell,” said James, sweat now running down his face.

“Yeah,” gasped Richard from the other side of Jeremy.

“One more go,” said James, urging Richard on as he heaved at Jeremy once more, finally managing to shift the man out beyond his waist to prevent him from sliding back in.

“OK,” nodded Richard. “Need a break now though.” He collapsed dramatically on the floor, carefully steering well clear of the hole in the floorboards.

James laughed, bending to rest his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

“Wimps,” groaned Jeremy. “I lift this every day!”

“It’s a bit different when it’s your own body!” protested Richard. Still, he staggered back to his feet and took Jeremy’s arm once more. “Ready, James?” he sighed.

“Yeah,” grumbled James, nonetheless beginning to pull.

Finally, Jeremy popped out of the floorboard hole with a satisfying noise, and a deep groan. “Thanks, chaps,” he said, rolling onto his back.

The road up the side of the sofa was steep and windy, but stunning – given that they weren’t actually climbing a real mountain. As they ascended the view from the huge window expanded to look out onto the alpine village outside making their surroundings feel completely real. It did, however, also provide real problems for James, whose tiny, toy car only had a tiny engine in it. At first, knowing there was no back up car, the others waited intermittently, but eventually they got bored with that.

“James?” asked Jeremy. “Is there any way your car can go any faster?”

“I don’t think I can do any weight shedding, Jezza, and the bonnet’s sealed shut as tight as your Aston’s doors.”

“So short of getting Hamster to swap places with you, there’s nothing you can do?”

“Pretty much.”

“You’re not serious?” put in Richard. “Again?”

“I’m not serious. I’m thinking it’s time to put the Batmobile in rescue mode,” said Jeremy. “It wants to be the hero, I can feel it. It can tow the Panda up the really big hill.”

“Without being a yobbo?” asked James dubiously.

“Of course!” Jeremy pulled the least innocent, innocent face ever witnessed.

James sighed, but conceded to Jeremy attaching a tow rope (the shoelace, again) behind the Batmobile and hooking him up to it. Richard then followed on behind. James couldn’t decide if that was better or worse than having him ahead. Being behind the Batmobile was faster than dragging himself up the road, but not brilliant for his nerves. Being towed by the ape was akin to watching Hammond dive over the cliff for relaxation.

Jeremy, in the Batmobile, was much happier. The vehicle was a tiny bit slower because of the weight behind it, but only marginally, and he was no longer required to spend half his day hanging round waiting for Captain Slow to catch up. Plus the car was fulfilling its super hero mission. Perfect.

“I am Batman!” he yelled out of his window, loud enough for both James and Richard to roll their eyes at him from behind.

When they crested the hill onto the arm of the sofa and across the cushions, they all paused to take in their surroundings. Jeremy unhooked James’s car, and Richard took a wander to test out the terrain. For the first time since they’d set off, they were going to be travelling across un-landscaped, squashy material. Thankfully, the cushions seemed to be relatively firm and it looked as though they were going to be able to drive across them fairly easily.

“Get going?” asked Richard, watching the other two men apparently gazing into space.

“Yes, I think that mound there looks like food,” answered Jeremy.

“Hopefully not food you dropped days ago!” remarked James, heading for his car anyway, laughing as Richard pulled a face of disgust.

“At this point, chaps,” put in Jeremy, “I’m not that picky. I’ll race you!”

Side by side, the three cars set off across the first sofa cushion, bouncing a little at the unexpected give in the surface.

“It’s like being on the moon,” commented James as his Panda momentarily felt as though it was defying gravity, most likely in the wake of the others bouncing along ahead of him, still engaged in their ridiculous race for food.

The mound, it turned out, was edible, a pile of slightly used but perfectly edible wotsits. It wasn’t exactly a balanced meal, but opportunism seemed important on this trip, so all three of them – even Richard – tucked in to the feast, ready to leave the mound only when they couldn’t eat any more. James even heaved a wotsit onto the back seat of his car.

At least, most of a wotsit, it got a little battered on the way through the doors.

Richard led the little convoy across the plains of the sofa cushions, his stomach full, his windows open and a strong breeze blowing through his hair. In the absence of a radio, he sang quietly to himself, thoroughly enjoying himself, right until a drop of rain hit his hand, partially bouncing in through the window and making him surprisingly wet, surprisingly quickly. He braked, bringing the car to a quick halt.

“Jez?” he called to his friend behind him. “Have you seen this?” He stepped out of his car, a mistake as another raindrop hit him, this time completely soaking him and knocking him to the ground.

“Ugh,” he grumbled, sitting up on the ground, still confused.

Jeremy’s laughter could be heard through the closed windows of the Batmobile, Richard, bracing himself for mocking, ran over to the car, opened the door, and dived into the passenger seat. “Your car has no windows,” he complained.

“I know!” laughed Jeremy. “Did you get quite wet through the window then?”

“Yes, I did. So then I thought I’d come and complain to you about it, since it’s your car.”

Jeremy nodded, still chuckling. “So how is it raining? We’re indoors.”

“I don’t know, it doesn’t make any sense. And the drops are huge!”

“No, you idiot, you’re tiny. Tinier than normal. You know what I mean! The rain hasn’t shrunk.”

“Oh,” said Richard. “Oh yeah. I really got very wet from just one drop,” he added, thinking for a moment. “I’m glad it wasn’t hail.”

Jeremy winced. “I think if it was hail you’d be dead.”

“Thanks, Jez.”

“Anytime.” He paused. “So now what? Are we just sitting here until it stops raining? Or are you going to go get back in the car?”

“I’ll drown, it’s raining a lake into the car through the window!” protested Richard.

“You can’t drown, it’s got no windows!”

“I’ll freeze then,” said Richard. “You drive it.”

Jeremy glared at him. “How about, I’ll tow it. I have shown my prowess at this before.”

Richard shrugged. “OK, it’s a solution.”

“Great, you go and hook the car up.”

Richard glared at Jeremy, but already soaked, he went anyway, fixing the shoelace to the front of his car as Jeremy drove round it to position himself. In the process of hitching the car up, he was knocked off his feet twice more by raindrops, a fact that Jeremy – and James, watching from the safety of his Panda – continued to find amusing. At least the cushions made for a soft landing, he supposed. Although sleeping on them wasn’t sounding so appealing, and time was starting to get on.

“We’d better get going, we’re going to have to find somewhere indoors to sleep now,” said Richard as he climbed back in, completely soaked through and shivering.

“You OK, Hamster?” asked Jeremy.

“Mostly,” shivered Richard. “Have you found any heaters in this thing?”

“Don’t think Batman needs heaters,” remarked Jeremy.

“Let’s get going and find somewhere warmer then, and in the meantime you can do lots of talking and make some hot air yourself.”

Jeremy laughed, which Richard thought was disappointingly ineffective at producing any warm air.

They continued across the cushions, managing to navigate even the worst of the gaps without too much trouble as the rain continued to fall. Occasionally, a large drop would fall directly onto the windscreen and they’d have to stop for a minute while it cleared – as neither of the cars had windscreen wipers – but for the most part inside the car the rain didn’t seem so bad, just a little bit unexpected.

Richard didn’t feel any warmer when they reached the other arm of the chair, but he was hopeful. Surely, there would be somewhere to stay soon. Another Lego hotel, perhaps? He peered into the semi-darkness, trying to make out anything that might be a hotel as they slowly made their way down the other side of the sofa, not even caring that the Aston was constantly hitting the Batmobile because of the slope. The landscaped roads were becoming slippery because of the rain, in places they were even mushy, their paper construction failing to stand up to the onslaught.

“Really,” commented Jeremy, “we shouldn’t carry on down here.”

“I know,” groaned Richard, “but I don’t see a choice! If we stop here, we’ll sink into the ground.”

Jeremy wrinkled his nose. “Hmm, not tempting.”

So they carried on. Following on behind the battered, and completely waterlogged, Aston, James was having a similar conversation with himself, desperate to stop, but aware that there was no way that was a good idea. They all carried on.

It was after midnight when they finally reached the bottom, to discover that there was still no sign of any shelter.

“Jez, can you see anywhere good to stop ahead?” asked Richard, pretty certain he knew the answer.

Tiredly, Jeremy shook his head. “James?” he called out behind him, briefly opening the window, and instantly regretting it as the rain hit his head. “You see anywhere to stop?”

Moments later, James yelled back. “Nothing!” and Jeremy withdrew back into the car.

“I think we need to go under the sofa,” said Richard, pointing to their left.

“Yeah, OK,” yawned Jeremy. “I’m ready to sleep anywhere now.”

They crawled under the sofa, stopping as soon as they were free of the perpetual, inexplicable rain, staggering out of their cars and falling asleep in a heap under the sofa.


	6. Escape

James woke up as the light began to filter under the sofa, later than the last few days due to the dingy surroundings. He took his time, in no great hurry to disturb the quiet of the moment. If the others were still asleep, it would give him a moment to get his thoughts together. He stood up and went to his Panda, checking it was still intact after yesterday’s adventures. Then he took a few bites of the wotsit in the back to quieten his stomach, and stuck his head outside the safety of the sofa to confirm that the rain had – finally – stopped, though the Aston was still completely submerged in water. The Batmobile, too, looked fine, James determined, happy that they would be able to get going again without any problems.

Checks complete, he reluctantly went to check on his friends, aware that if they got going they’d stand a much better chance of reaching the front door before spending another night sleeping on the floor. He didn’t really remember exactly where everyone had slept last night, it had been more of a question of falling out of the car and going to sleep, but now he wished he had. The cars were still there, but there was no sign at all of either of them. James surveyed his surroundings, wondering what trouble the others might have found. Obviously, they hadn’t left, because the cars were both still in place.

“Hammond? Clarkson? Where are you?” called James.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted movement. Amidst all the dust and darkness, something was scuttling about under the sofa with them.

“Cock,” said James, to himself, moving back to his car and climbing in, absolutely certain that he wasn’t tackling this without the car. As he climbed in, he glanced to his right, noticing the Batmobile. He was going on a rescue mission, it seemed appropriate.

“The right tool for the job,” he told himself, closing his car door and moving behind the Batmobile to unhook the Aston.

The Batmobile was fun to drive, James was even sorry that he didn’t have further to go, and it was the perfect tool for the job. He threw it into gear and aimed directly for the spider – again – hitting one of the legs and sending it skittering over the roof of the car. James thrust forwards, finding the web and ramming the Batmobile into that too, twisting it out of shape and finally revealing one of his missing friends. He braked harshly, thankfully missing him, and cautiously opened the door, looking for any sign of the web’s owner.

With no sign of any imminent attack, James opened the car and moved to reach for Jeremy, who was trapped in the web but clearly aware of James’s arrival and trying to get out.

“How long did it take you to wake up, Slow?” grumbled Jeremy, eventually pausing his own struggles so that James could free his arms.

“Well, that’s fine gratitude isn’t it,” responded James. “How was I supposed to know you two were going to do some sort of damsel in distress thing in the middle of the night? I’m doing my Batman bit now, aren’t I?”

“Yes, you are, James, I apologise,” Jeremy bowed his head. “I would quite like to get out of here before the spider’s revenge though.”

“Yeah, me too,” agreed James, pulling harder at the sticky threads around Jeremy’s legs. “Where’s Hamster?”

“Back there.” Jeremy pointed as he stepped free of the sticky web, revealing a dark, scary-looking hole that clearly headed beneath the floorboards.

“Cock,” said James, bracing himself. “How many spiders?”

“Just the one big one,” replied Jeremy. “That was plenty.”

“That’s a relief,” said James, “I took that one out in the Batmobile on the way over. Probably.”

“OK, good, so hopefully we just have to find him.”

They exchanged a look, neither of them keen to head into the dark space under the floorboards, even if the regular inhabitant was gone.

James sighed. “As much as I’d like to abandon the irritating little git, we’d better get this over with.”

They squeezed under the floorboard, quickly discovering that the board itself was loose and possible to push back, widening the hole and increasing the light below. The area below the floorboard wasn’t, thankfully, big, just a tiny cave with the spider’s larder in it – namely a carefully wrapped fly, and a Hamster.

“Hamster,” whispered James, poking his sleeping friend, hard. “Hamster!”

Richard’s eyes opened, merely tired initially, then alarmed as he realised that he couldn’t move. “What’s going on? Why can’t I move?”

“Quiet, Hamster,” whispered James. “Jez, can you give me a hand?” James began pulling at the material keeping Richard held fast, trying to release him as quickly as possible.

“I’ll carry him,” said Jeremy, placing his shoulder in Richard’s stomach and hauling him up into a fireman’s lift. “Let’s get back to the car as quickly as possible,” he added, breaking into a run to get back into the Batmobile.

James agreed, chasing after Jeremy towards the car, on the lookout for a seven-legged spider as they ran.

Moments later, they reached the car and dived in, Jeremy having a moment of indecision when he realised there was nowhere for Richard to sit.

“Just sit him on your knee, man, we’ve got to get out of here,” yelled James, impatient to be clear of the place.

“What is going on?” demanded Richard. “Why can’t I get free?”

“You don’t want to know, Hamster,” replied James. “Just sit down and give us a minute to deal with it.”

“I…” began Richard, clearly not comfortable with the situation.

“Just for a minute,” whispered Jeremy, pausing his usual attitude to get his friend to calm down, before reaching over and pulling him into the car and closing the door behind him. “We’re in, James. Let’s go! Just keep heading for the door – forget the other cars.”

James didn’t need telling again. He pressed his foot to the floor, driving through more web, and shot back towards the other cars, and past them into the daylight and the landscaped floor. Jeremy, no longer needing to worry about the spider, began to free Richard’s arms, one piece of webbing at a time.

“We seem to be safe enough now,” said Richard, wiggling with his marginally free right arm. “Can you stop to tell me what’s going on now?”

“Well, not stop, no,” began James.

“Not literally stop! Mr Pedantic. I just want to know what’s going on.”

“We’re escaping from an enraged, seven-legged spider,” said Jeremy, solemnly.

“I’m sorry I asked,” admitted Richard.

“We did warn you,” laughed Jeremy, still struggling to unwind Richard’s wrappings. “Can you stop wriggling, it’s really making this very difficult?”

“I’m helping!” protested Richard.

“You are not!” put in James, struggling to navigate various flailing limbs as he attempted to change gear. “Keep still.”

“I don’t think he’s really tried keeping still before,” chuckled Jeremy, earning a glare from Richard.

“I can’t even sit down properly!”

“No, but you’ve not been eaten by a spider, so just have a little patience man,” put in James, before rolling his eyes at himself. “What am I even saying, asking either of you two to exhibit patience? Here, I’ll pull over and we’ll sort you out, Hamster.”

They were way out on a flat, if slightly windy road, with no sign of any dark holes that spiders could be hiding in. The sun was beaming down on them through the window, and the door was probably not that far away, once they’d navigated the outskirts of the living room volcano. It was a good place to stop. James clambered out of the car, and moving round to the other side of the car, half lifted Richard from Jeremy’s lap, so that the two of them could properly unwind Richard.

Even stationary, with both of them working on it, it took several minutes, and Richard complained that his legs, in particular, felt really numb. Still, once Richard was free, there was nothing to do but to continue on in the car. James quickly moved around to the driver’s seat – mostly in case Jeremy or Richard got ideas – and got in, waiting for the others to climb back in, and the inevitable moaning about that.

Jeremy climbed in similarly promptly, claiming the passenger seat by sprawling across it with his long frame. Richard, now freed, if slightly shaky, stuck his head in the door.

“Where am I meant to go?”

“On his lap,” grinned James, looking very pleased with himself.

“You’re kidding me, this is my car!”

“Yep, and we rescued you in it too, but the fact remains that there’s no way on earth me and Jezza are going to fit on the passenger seat, so it has to be you.”

Richard sighed. “Right then. Make way, Jez.”

The ride to the door was tough. Initially, Jeremy whinged constantly. About James fondling his knee when he changed gear, and about Richard making his legs go to sleep, and a thousand other things that weren’t to his liking. Eventually, however, the great oaf’s awful night caught up with him, and he fell asleep, leaving James and Richard to have an hour or so’s peace as they navigated the extremities of the volcano.

Finally, they reached the front door. Richard staggered out of the Batmobile immediately, turning back to haul Jeremy out, something that James found very comical to watch, and banging his fist against the door.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

“I hate to mention this, Hamster, but you’re banging on the wrong side of the door,” said James.

“And it’s too small a noise for anyone to hear it,” added Jeremy, leaning against the door as he tried to rub his legs back to life.

Richard grinned. “Worth a try.”

The door opened, causing Jeremy to fall out of the cabin.

“Ha! See!” cried Richard, very pleased with himself.

“Well done, boys,” came the familiar voice of Andy Wilman, standing back some way from the door, holding a hosepipe and waving some sort of contraption at them with the other hand.

Suddenly, all three of them were back to normal size, Jeremy half sprawled over the doorway.

“So, how was your adventure?” asked Andy.

“Interesting,” laughed Jeremy, getting back to his feet.

“You’re still in isolation, up for another round?” grinned Andy.

Richard, Jeremy and James exchanged a look, though it was Jeremy who responded. “I think you might have to check the house for spiders first.”

James nodded. “And I would like at least a night’s sleep in a proper bed,” he added.

“I’m going to go with the spider thing,” said Richard.

“Your wish is my command,” laughed Andy, walking away.

“Why is he bothered about us doing adventures in the house?” asked Richard. “There’s no film crew or anything to record it.”

“Mr Wilman works in mysterious ways,” said Jeremy.

Andy sat down at his desk, ready to begin editing their Little Italian adventure. “There’s some gold in this,” he said. “Those hidden house cameras have worked wonders. We even have shots under the sofa.”


End file.
